About

Hi.
I’m a 19-year-old, currently doing Architecture. Sounds stressful right? It is, but its manageable and so much fun. But, I’ve got issues and even the most diminutive challenge life throws at me, makes me want to curl up into a ball and forget my existence.

Now, I wouldn’t call myself unhappy, and sad. But that’s exactly it, what do these words mean? When is someone depressed or anxious? Is there a scale that tells you if you’re feeling too much, or too little? How do you know what you’re going through isn’t normal?
As you have already deduced, I over-think things. Even the smallest things, like am I saying the right things right now, am I over-sharing?

There are times when I’ve felt upset and angry at myself for doing something stupid or making an insensitive joke. But I’ve always passed over these feelings as a cry for attention and tell myself I’m over-reacting. I may have been, or not, I’ll never know. There are other times when I become gloomy for no apparent reason, and this only makes me feel surer that it is indeed a secret cry for attention. And here’s the thing- I hate attention of any kind, I’d rather be the one no one notices that be the center of attention. And yet I dismiss every forlorn thought, telling myself not to be narcissistic and that the world does not revolve around me.

I used to blog as tryingtobeanartist, posting all my creative brain could cook up, but over time felt consumed by my thoughts. I over-thought every comment, every like. I wondered if they were out of pity. Even the name made me feel like I was over-esteeming my value. This eventually lead me to erase all traces of my work, and destroy my blog.

Now, I don’t know how I mustered up the courage to do this again, but I really do need a platform to express the ever-flowing thoughts in my head. So here I am, hoping for a new beginning.

-M.